Category: Humor

Yes. I will raise another generation of Indians Fans

Last night I lamented the sorry state of being a fan of Cleveland sports teams. I even questioned my decision to raise my children as fans of the Cavs, Indians and Browns.

It was just the rum and Coke talking. I intend to raise my boys as Cleveland sports fans. When we win it all in any league (I’m praying it is the World Series) that will be peanut butter and chocolate ambrosia!

The following is a dramatization of an actual conversation. I later told the boy I was only joking about the tent. I may have been lying.

Richard Harris was allowed to record an entire album?

“One hit wonder” is the term we apply to an artist, duo or group that have just one song that becomes popular. Some might look at is as a put-down, but I think even having one hit is pretty impressive. With all the really talented people in this world, just getting a record made and distributed is an accomplishment. I tip my hat to Timbuk 3, Bobby McFerrin and all the others who had one brilliant moment in the sun.

Richard Harris (yes, the actor) had a monster hit called MacArthur Park in the 1970s. You may remember that “someone left the cake out in the rain.” Careless, yes, but not as careless as allowing Richard Harris to hang around the studio long enough to lay down enough tracks to make a full album called A Tramp Shining.

I’m compounding that mistake by converting some of the tracks from the album to share with you as MP3s. I say “some of the tracks” because I couldn’t force myself to listen to the whole album.

There is a bit of a sub-genre of songs that recall the names of former girlfriends, lovers, flings. Solitary Man by Neil Diamond and A Bang On The Ear by The Waterboys are fine examples.

Name Of My Sorrows is not.

If you are up for one more, please tell me the lyrics for Lovers Such As I are the result of some contest to write a song using an early prototype software that produced a random rhyme generator.

Excuse me, I need to pour rubbing alcohol in my ears now. (Don’t try this at home.)

Preschool wisdom from the apple orchard

I had the pleasure of accompanying Patrick’s preschool class to Eddy Fruit Farm today. It is a tradition now that Daddy takes the boys to the apple farm for the field trip. I went with James’ kindergarten class last week to Patterson’s. In previous years I took John.

So I’ve been to one or the other apple farm on at least four trips in recent years. And you would be amazed at what you can still learn. For instance, I learned that the official apple of the State of Ohio is the Melrose. Farmer Eddy taught us that.

But the best part is when the instructors have a Q & A with the preschoolers. Three-year-olds are not shy about talking a wild guess when asked a question.

Patrick picks an apple at Eddy Fruit FarmFor instance, Farmer Eddy said that they are picking so many apples at this time of year that they can’t put them all in in the store and sell them. What do you think we do with the rest of the apples? Patrick was quick to blurt out “Eat them!”

The nice lady reading the book about baking apple pies asked what spice people use in apple pie. Pat offered “Apple Pie Spice”. I think she was looking for cinnamon, bit when you think about it, any spice that is used on  making apple pie really is apple pie spice.

Mr. Eddy and the nice ladies at story time have probably seen hundreds of preschoolers, perhaps thousands through the years. I tip my hat to how kind an patient they are with the little ones. And I can’t wait to see them next year.

By the way, you can find Eddy Fruit Farm on Facebook

Hang On Sloopy – Polka Style!

My LP digitization project continues. After I posted a link to Hawaiian style organ music, some of my friends inquired about the availability of polka music. I have polka music. This album is part of my collection due to the extreme generosity of my eldest brother. He happened upon a cache of closeout albums and he knew they would make a wonderful gift. Thank you, Joe.

These selections are from Super Hits Dance Party by Larry Chesky and his Orchestra. No copyright is evident on the album sleeve. Based on the tracks I’d put it at about a 1973 release date.

I’ll quote the album notes:

If you want a really good time, all you need is the desire…and this album! …

The music of today is what today’s young people understand. And the timeless polka beat is what everybody understands. So Larry puts them both together in an exciting musical package.

This version of Hang On Sloopy isn’t really a full-on polka. But it is delightful none-the-less. Don’t you agree?

If you are looking for a more full-flavored polka interpretation of a hit in another genre, you are in luck. Like country music? Like polka music? You will like this polka version of Gentle On My Mind.

Glenn Campbellski couldn’t do it better.

Phantom 3rd Channel!

Yes, I do like to pick up odd albums at the thrift store. And even though digitizing them is a bigger hassle than the software promised it would be, I was able to get a few more tracks captured this evening.

For your listening enjoyment and edification we’ve selected a couple of tracks from an unusual various artist album. This is not just an odd collection of hits. No, this is a demonstration record produced to accompany Admiral stereophonic devices. It is on the Decca label and consists of music by artists released by Decca.

First the announcer man will explain to you that there is a right channel, a left channel, and a PHANTOM 3rd Channel!!!!!

Sorry to cut you off, announcer man. I had no idea you were about to present several more aural examples of how you can hear things from your left channel, right channel and PHANTOM 3rd CHANNEL!!!!

Soon enough the tunes begin…a sampling of what I presume were popular artists and music of the day.

The featured selection tonight is Trumpet Cha Cha Cha by Warren Covington and the Tommy Dorsey Orchestra. Amazon says this track was from an album released in 1958. It was re-issued in 2010 as a CD. But is it in PHANTOM 3rd CHANNEL SOUND?

Bonus Track –  It is an instrumental from Bill Haley And His Comets called Joey’s Song.

I am not a warlock

Given the furor over the recently revealed video of Christine O’Donnell saying she dabbled in the occult, I’d like to publicly denounce my private claim that I was a warlock.

I understand how things can be misunderstood when taken out of context. I did indeed say, in my younger days, “I am a warlock.” By younger days, I do mean last week.  However, it was only because I was asked how I conjured up a butterfly from the ether.

Let me be perfectly clear. I did not conjure the butterfly. They are known to flit about quickly and the butterfly in question only appeared to have arrived magically. Therefore, my pronouncement that I was a warlock was in jest.

And speaking of things in jest.  Check out this bizarre twitter hashtag meme.

Questions from a five year old

It is easy to forget that things adults “just know” are clouded in mystery to children. Today my five year old was in the bedroom containing the bed that Joyce and I share. We have four kids, it’s safe to assume we share a bed.

He asked “why do you sleep here and Mommy sleep here?” Uh-oh! Think quick. I’m not having THAT talk with a five year old. (Even this five year old. He also said recently “I don’t like girls. Well, I like some of their faces. But I don’t like their toys.”)

I gave a true answer – I thought it was crafty because it answered his specific question. I told him I used to sleep on the side by the alarm clock, but Mommy and Daddy had to switch because Daddy hits “Snooze” too much.

He wasn’t satisfied “No, why don’t you have your OWN bed?” I just told him that I wanted to be near Mommy because she is nice.  I’m afraid he thinks I’m not all together too smart.

Turducken Poem

This poem was originally posted at Stop Me When I Am Lying. I’m cross-posting here on the slight chance that anybody knows about this blog and not the other. I don’t know how you could make it through another Thanksgiving Day without this. By the way, I really do think that we need to remember who we are thanking on the fourth Thursday every November.

Don’t go huntin’ turducken
you won’t find such a bird.
There are no wild turducken,
the thought is just absurd.

There is no call to make,
no cluck, no gobble nor quack.
You can’t drop one from your blind
and put him in your sack.

But if you find turducken
on your festive plate.
Give thanks to God almighty,
your hunger He will sate.

© 2006 Matthew Keough